5 years later- unedited journal entry 3/24/09

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Yesterday I silently celebrated the birth of my first son, Miles. He turned five! Wow, has it really been five years? Time seems irrelevant as the feelings are still so raw. I keep them buried inside and let them to the surface only once in a while. Reading my journal entries brings me right back to that moment in time when I first held my little boy and gave him to the arms of the parents he would know as Mom and Dad.   I will never regret placing my son into the family of the Browns. His upbringing is by far more stable and happy than I could have offered to him at the time.

The phone rang later in the afternoon- Miles was calling me! “Hi Miles! How are you?” “Good” he replies, “It’s my birthday!” I am smiling ear to ear at this point. No pain or sadness entering my heart, much to my surprise. We continued our conversation for a few minutes. “Miles, Do you know who I am?” without a pause, Miles says “Yup! You’re Amberly!” 

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3/24/09

Dear my precious Miles, 

I have so much love for you in my heart, I don’t even know where to start. When I look into your sweet, innocent, dark blue eyes…tears well up in mine. They look up at me in wonder and awe, I so wish to know what you are thinking! I love your fingers and how they touch your handsome face. It;s like you are always thinking or dreaming – just like me! Last night I got lost in your eyes for hours. You kept looking at me and moving your sweet lips, making me laugh and smile. I wish your could remember these moments. When I was your source for food and comfort. I would hold you close and rock your gently. I get lost in my own little world with you. No one else exists…the outside world fades away. Everyday is going to get even more special than the one before. You are always changing and growing! I;m learning more about you every minute we share together. I love you so much my precious son. I can only sleep knowing you are right next to me, I’m waiting for the nurse to bring you back to me then I will take you and hold you close. I will always be there for you. Love, Your mother, Amberly

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