This is a journal entry that I wrote around the birth of my son, Miles. I placed him up for adoption to a wonderful couple “The Browns” in March 2009. The adoption is open so I’m able to see him grow up and he knows who I am 🙂
I’m writing to you in the room where you were born. My heart is filled with so much love and a small piece of sadness. I want you to know how hard this is for me. I almost change my mind every time I see your handsome face or feel your presence in the room. But I am reassured that I made the right decision every time I hear, talk to, or even think about the Browns. I am so excited that you are able to go to a home with two loving parents who are so excited to welcome you. You will have a bed and clothes, and so many toys! I know you deserve that. It would be selfish of me to keep you to myself. I would’t want you to miss out on having a family. Trust me, I know I could raise you and be your mother but that life would be hard and rough and not as beneficial to you in the long run. You know how people say “Get your head out of the clouds?” Well, I’m the opposite… my head needs to be in the clouds- high about the earthly expectations-and be closer to heaven to see the whole picture. I can see now why girls decide to keep their baby. It is so hard. I am crying every second. I know I have to have faith in the Lord because everything I have gone through all points in his direction. I need to humble myself and come to him with a broken heart because only he can heal me. Miles, you have made me a better person. 9 months ago I was still a kid. My view of life has changed dramatically. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for everyone. Designed specifically for our strengths. You were in my plan the moment I came into this world. That’s why when I knew I was pregnant at 19 the sudden shock and tears were not there. It was almost if God whispered in my ear that my test had just begun. I felt at peace. It was a long hard road for me emotionally and mentally. Every time I felt you kick, I smiled. You moved around so much. Not a day went by that I didn’t think of you and love you with all of my heart. When I look into your eyes I can see a lot of kindness and understanding. I know you will understand that I am doing the best thing for you. When you are old enough to know the whole story, I have so much faith that you will love me too. I will see you grow everyday and be so proud that I created your life. You are here for a reason, Miles. I know that with all my heart. I love you!